THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF PMS.
i always feel disappointed.
with the people around me. with our country. with the broken promises. with the constant innovations. but most especially i am always disappointed with myself.
i always think that i should be better. that there's more to me than this. there have to be. but i always ends up failing myself.
im not pretty, im not smart, im not rich, im not even that good as a person. and now i feel like i dont even know how to write anymore.
like there's this big obstruction in my mind, in my heart, in my whole being that is thwarting me from thinking straight, from doing what i should really be doing.
every single day, i wish i could just bring back who i really am. or i wish i could just really know who i am.
i feel like im becoming a monster. a monster that we all have hiding deep within ourselves. a monster that shows the real me.
"people change" ? i hear that a lot. i even said it myself to other people. but i never thought it could mean this much to me.
i changed. i see that now. im not even sure if i changed for the better. maybe i didnt. maybe ive become worst.
yes. i have become worst. and i dont know if i can still find the old me.
and maybe i dont really need to. there's no old nor new me. there is only me and my verdicts.
i am who i am right now for a reason. yes, id like to believe just that.
id like to believe "everything happens for a reason", though that statement isnt that feasible itself. i would still like to believe that.
i wanted to believe there is a reason why me and mom are drifting apart. there is a reason why i wish i could just be dying right now. there is a reason why im not good in what im doing. there is a reason why everything in my world seems like falling apart.
fairytales? who even believe in that anymore? i know i said i do. but im lying. because i dont. there is no fairytale. its all in the mind. its all in the books. its fiction. its all shitty sham.
there is no prince charming. there is no happy ending.
there is only you, the whole world, and a bountiful of bullshits.
and on a second thought. i dont really believe that everything happens for a reason. things happened... thats all.
i dont need fabrications about how people will all find their happiness. because they just dont. we have to relish the fact that some people live and die in pain, in tragedy.
and i, uh.. i need sleep. bye.
Thursday, August 19, 2010 @ 1:32:00 AM / comments
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