His Life
Attended youth gig today after almost 4 years. T'was my friend's fault, he asked me to come. I admit I am not ready to face God, but I gave in just because I was bored. YES. I ATTENDED OUT OF BOREDOM.
It was suffocating being there. I feel like I was being drown in the sea of God-loving/worshiping people. They were so full of faith with the Lord that I kept thinking how much I don't belong there. It was like stepping into a wrong birthday party. They were singing and dancing their love for God, while I stand motionless, with hundreds of doubts and questions in my head. I have all this never ending and nonsensical questions about my missing faith. Like when did I really lose it, or if I still believe in God, or if I really believe I don't believe or am I just saying that. It was all too exacerbating for me. I was rather overwhelmed by it and by them.
And at the back of my mind I know the answers, I was just too much of a coward to really admit them. I lost my faith because I chose to. In my mind, talking to God means talking about Dad, talking to Dad himself. It was like I was restraining myself from the sadness and from the emptiness I feel whenever I remember Dad. I was trying so hard to hide the hole that he left in my heart. I was avoiding the reality that he left us forever. And that's when I start losing my faith. Or rather start choosing to lose it. I avoid that agony by avoiding God. I let myself live a life where everything in my life is all sunshine and rainbows.
And by going to that gig today, I suddenly realize I will only be ready to have faith again when it no longer hurts. When losing my father doesn't make me cry so hard anymore.
And if that is the case, will I ever be ready?
Labels: Personal
Sunday, June 10, 2012 @ 3:05:00 PM / comments
Please view with Google Chrome in a screen resolution of 1280 x 800.
Picture from: Tumblr All rights reserved 2011 - Infinite.